


Forgiveness

by squirtturtle665



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Has Feelings, F/M, Fluff, Panic Attacks, Post 4x03, Protective Clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 09:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9813446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirtturtle665/pseuds/squirtturtle665
Summary: Bellamy has a panic attack about the Grounder army he murdered, and Clarke talks to him about forgiveness.Post 4x03





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's been forever since I've posted on here. 4x03 gave me all the feels, so I wrote this little thing.  
> Here's an idea: Listen to "Forgive" by Trevor Hall while reading this. It's fantastic and was part of the inspiration behind this. :)

“Clarke, wake up, there’s something wrong with Bellamy,” Monty says frantically, turning on the lights in Clarke’s room. 

Clarke sat up in bed. “What do you mean?” she asks groggily. “He was right-,” she stops herself. Looking at the empty side of the bed next to her, Bellamy’s side, she sees it’s empty. And of course, no one knows that they’re sleeping together every night. 

It’s not like they’re “sleeping” sleeping together every night. 

Okay, fine, sometimes they are, most nights they are.

Other times, though, like tonight, they fell asleep to the sound of each other’s voices. 

Panic starts to rise in Clarke as she jumps out of bed and bolts out the door with Jasper, not bothering to grab a sweatshirt. 

“What happened?” she asks as they jog down the hallway. 

“I was doing my nightly rounds. You know, locking everything up, making sure everyone was accounted for. I found him in the med bay. He was sitting on the floor clutching his chest, and he said he couldn’t breathe.” 

That makes Clarke jog even faster to get to the med bay. When they arrive, Bellamy is right where Monty said he was. He’s sitting with his back against the wall between two beds. 

The panicked look on his face makes Clarke’s heart drop, and she knows immediately what’s going on. 

She stops Monty at the door. “I can handle this by myself, Monty.” 

“But, what-,”

“He’s having a panic attack,” Clarke explains, voice low. “Thank you for getting me, but I’ve got it from here.”

Monty looks past her at Bellamy and then nods before leaving. Clarke closes the doors behind him and then walks over to Bellamy. 

His breaths come in short gasps. “Clarke- Clarke, I can’t breathe,” he gets out. 

Bellamy’s eyes are watery, and his face is red and splotchy. Clarke’s heart breaks even more. 

“Okay, shh,” she says, kneeling down in front of him. She rests her hands on his knees that are pulled to his chest. “Bellamy, look at me, okay? Right at me.” His wide, fearful eyes meet hers. “Take some deep breaths for me. I’m right here, you’re safe. I promise.” 

He takes a few deep breaths but something snaps again, and he goes right back to how he was before. “I can’t – I can’t…” 

“Yes, you can,” Clarke says forcefully. Bellamy tries again and is more successful this time. “There you go, that’s it.”

A few tears fall out of Bellamy’s eyes, and he’s quick to brush them away. 

“I’m okay, I’m fine,” he says, voice cracking. 

He starts to try and get up, but Clarke presses her hands into his knees to keep him on the ground. He’s trying to be tough, and she can tell, but here’s the thing about Bellamy Blake: he’s “tough” all the time. The fact that Clarke is witnessing him break down means something. 

“Hey,” she says softly. “We need to talk about this.”

He shakes his head. “No, we don’t. Really, Clarke, I’m fine.” 

The pain is still in his eyes, and under no circumstances is Clarke going to let Bellamy get up until she sees that change. Even if it’s just for a second.

“Bellamy, you’re not fine. How long has this been going on?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Her eyes widen. “Of course it matters. Why would you think it doesn’t matter?”

The cold air in the med bay finally gets to Clarke’s bare arms, and she shivers. She takes her hands off of Bellamy’s knees and rubs up and down her arms.  
“Come on, Clarke,” Bellamy says. “You’re freezing. Let’s just go back to bed and talk in the morning.”

Clarke stays persistent. “Something is clearly tearing you apart. So, no more running until you get it off your chest.” 

Bellamy sighs and settles back onto the floor. He’s quiet for a while, his eyes are closed, but Clarke just waits. She doesn’t pressure him to start talking because she knows he will when he’s ready. Instead, she grabs a blanket from the cot next to her, wraps it around her arms, and sits next to Bellamy against the wall. 

When his breathing starts becoming shorter and shorter again, Clarke grows more and more concerned.

She leans over and kisses his clenched jaw. “Deep breaths,” she reminds him.

“I see their faces every single night,” he finally admits, opening his eyes.

“Whose faces?”

Bellamy turns his head to face Clarke. “The army of Grounders I murdered. I can’t even escape the guilt when I go to sleep, Clarke. It’s everywhere. I hate myself every day for what I did. All of their blood is on my hands now, too.” 

“Bellamy, I’ll give you forgiveness if that’s what you need. I will always give you forgiveness, but maybe it’s time that we stop forgiving each other and start forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done.” 

Bellamy’s face hardens. “Right, like how you’ve forgiven yourself for all the bad things you’ve done?” He sighs and rests his head against the wall again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“No, you’re right. I haven’t forgiven myself, but I’m trying. I think it would be a good idea if you did, too.” 

“And why is that?”

“If we can’t give ourselves forgiveness from time to time, then what can we give ourselves anymore? We can’t give ourselves safety or protection. We can barely give ourselves hope. We are going to continue to make mistakes and continue to screw up, but we need forgiveness to continue to live.”

Pain is written all over his face. “Clarke, I can’t. I’m the reason Lincoln is dead, the reason Octavia can barely look at me anymore. I’m the reason why more people died in Mount Weather. I’m the reason why the Grounders don’t trust us like they thought they could. So no, I can’t forgive myself.” 

"You've changed since then, everyone can see it. You are not someone who murders innocent lives for no reason. You've never been that person. There were so many other factors that went into what happened with that army." 

"Who's to say that won't happen again? Who's to say that I won't lose more people that I care about? People like you."

Clarke is starting to feel desperate, and she doesn’t like where she thinks this conversation is heading. “What is it going to take, then? What can I do?” 

Without hesitation, Bellamy says, “Take my name off of that list.” 

If it’s even possible, Clarke feels even colder than she did before she wrapped herself in the blanket. 

“Not a chance, Bellamy,” she responds. 

“In my mind, there is no other way to right the wrongs I’ve made. Why should I be allowed to live when someone who has lived a much better life has to die a brutal death?” 

Clarke’s blood starts boiling at the fact that he’s actually suggesting this. “If you tell everyone who has killed someone, hurt someone, or done something wrong down here that they can’t be in Alpha Station when the rain hits, then almost no one would get to live. You are not Finn, Bellamy. I am not taking your name off of the list. You are not dying.” 

“You’re just saying that because you wouldn’t have anyone to sleep with for the next five years if I’m not on the list.” 

Clarke knows he’s making a joke to cover up how he’s really feeling, but she can’t help but breathe a little sigh of relief. 

She rolls her eyes. “I’m sure I could find someone.”

“Oh yeah? You could find someone who makes you feel the things that I make you feel?” he taunts. 

“You’re so self-assured, you know that?” Bellamy just looks at her like he’s waiting for her to answer his question. “No, Bellamy, I could never find someone like you,” she concedes. 

Bellamy chuckles. “Oh, come on, don’t sound so sad about it. You know I love you.” 

He closes his eyes and they sit in silence for a little bit before Clarke turns serious again.

“Will you please wake me up the next time this happens?” she asks. 

“I can’t promise you that,” he says quietly.

Clarke picks her back up off of the wall and turns her body around to face Bellamy. She grabs his hand so he’ll open his eyes and look at her. “You don’t deserve to feel this way. No one deserves the things we’ve gone through and the things we’ve done to try and save our people. Remember that, okay?” 

Bellamy nods as Clarke stands up and pulls him to his feet. He wraps her up in a hug. 

“And hey,” Clarke continues. “I love you, too.” 

Bellamy kisses the top of her head. “What now?” he asks, echoing her from one night ago. 

“Now we go back to bed and deal with tomorrow when it comes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Love you guys :)


End file.
